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'Bahek'^ Edition" 

of PLAY>3 

Fun on the Bingville 



Price, 25 Cents 



B* UJ* Plnero*$ Plays 

Price, 50 eents eacb 



THF AMA7nN^ Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe- 
InJCi AlflAljVl'liJ niiiles. Costumes, modern; scenery, not 
difficult. Plays a full evening. 



males, nine females. Cos 
tumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening- 

nAWiHY niPK" Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four fe- 
UAlitfl iJly^n. males. Costumes, modern; scenery, two inte- 
risrs. Plays two hours and a half. 

TUC P KV I ni?n niTfY comedy in Four Acts. Fourmales, 
inl!. djAI LUIVU V£U£.A ten females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

UIC UniT^I? IM nOnrD comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, 
niO nViUOJu 11^ V/JRUEiIV tour females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, three Interiors. Plays a full evening. 

TUr UnDDV UHDCr comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, 
irlE. nUDDl nUIVOE. Ave females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. 



modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening, 

I AnV UniTMTIFITI Play in Four Acts. Eight males, seven 
U\Ul D\J\jmirKJLi females. Costumes, modern; scen- 
ery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening. 

I FTTY ^'■^™* ^^ ^°}}^ ^^^^ ^""^ *", Epilogue. Ten males, five 



Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. 
Plays a full evening. 

mlWAPlQTRATF Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, 
ITIAUIO 1 IVi\ 1 £1 four females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter ?|. 5iafeer & Companp 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



Fun on the Bingville 
Branch 

An Entertainment in One Scene 



By 
JESSIE A. KELLEY 

Author of "Pedlers^ Parade," "Village PostofficCt 
"Tramps^ Conve?itioti" etc., etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1915 



Fun on the Bingville Branch 



CHARACTERS 

Conductor. 

Bkakeman. 

Newsboy. 

Mrs. Mistaken, who gets on the wroftg train. 

Mr. and Mrs. Alger, and baby. 

Mr. and Mrs. Levaggi ) ,. ,. . ., 

TONV, Mary and Peter Levaggi } """ it<^h<^n family. 

Mrs. Fussy, a rich woman, very fussy. 

Robert, her nephew, anxious to please. 

Mame Jones "I , . , 

LizSm-ith Yowery girls. 

Mrs. Mulligan, with her four children. 

iTs^ilT \ ^'«' <"•" g«"s " "" """'■ 

Mrs. Cross. 

Frances Cross, stnall daughter of Mrs. Cross. 

Alyse Parker ) ^- / • , 

Maysie Richie r"^^"'^'^^^^'^^- 

Silas Noser, who has a nose. 

Johnny Jackson, who asks questiotis. 

Mrs. Marston, who is taking Johnny with her. 

Michael Murphy, 7vho is polite. 

Israel Levitsky, who cannot speak English. 

Mrs. Precise 1 , - • 7 v 

Mrs. Mannerly \^ery prim ladies. 

Mr. Smarty, who tries to be funny. 
Mr. Austin, who feels rather cranky. 
'Rastus Jones, a darkey taking his first ride. 
Saul Cohen, an elderly Jew. 

Neither the Levaggi nor the MulHgan children have any speak- 
ing part. Some characters may be omitted if desired and some 
can take two or more parts, as nearly all the parts are short and 
easy. The children's parts may be taken by adults dressed as 
children if desired. 



TMP96-006458 



Copyright, 1915, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 
©CI.D 40643 

MAY 14 1915 




COSTUMES 

Conductor, Brakeman and Newsboy should wear coats 
with brass buttons, regulation caps. Mr. Levaggi old black 
slouch hat, old shabby clothes. Mrs. Levaggi scarf over head, 
poorly dressed, children bareheaded, rather dirty. They have 
many bundles done up in newspapers, old quilts, etc. 

Mrs. Fussy, elderly, overdressed woman, with lorgnette 
and smelling salts. 

Mame Jones and Liz Smith, cheap tawdry finery. 

Mrs. Mulligan and Children, as grotesque as possible ; 
the children should each have very large prominent figure "5 " 
on hat or cap. 

Rube Hickey and Sal Sofer, country costumes, old-fash- 
ioned and grotesque ; they carry old faded green umbrella and 
very large lunch basket. 

Edythe Ray and Pauline Porter, rather loud, stylish cos- 
tumes. 

Alyse Parker and Maysie Richie, in exaggerated stylish 
dress. 

Michael Murphy, overalls, jumper, brogans, old felt hat. 

Israel Levitsky, very old-fashioned derby hat, old clothes, 
long beard, bald headed. 

'Rastus Jones, old "Prince Albert " coat, either too large 
or too small, old-fashioned tall hat, very high white collar, 
large red necktie, white cotton gloves. He carries old-fash- 
ioned valise. 

Saul Cohen, old-fashioned derby, shabby clothes, long white 
beard. 

Mr. Smarty, very showy suit, big diamond stud, ring, etc. 

Johnny Jackson, has freckled face, and something fixed over 
two front teeth to make them appear missing. 

Silas Noser, ordinary attire, with very large false nose. 

The others may be in ordinary attire. 

STAGE ARRANGEMENTS 

The obvious, and when stage room is scanty the best, way of 
setting the stage for this entertainment consists of chairs set in 
pairs on both sides of a central aisle running up stage from the 
front to the back exactly as seats are arranged in a railway train, 
the legs of the chairs at the back of the stage being lengthened 
in some way so that the audience may see all the y^issengers 

3 



4 NOTES 

clearly. The imagination of the audience will do the rest. 
The chairs in this arrangement should all face the audience, 
and may be covered with red or green cambric ; but in these 
days when so much rattan furniture is available this may not be 
necessary. 

Another way — and a rather better one when there is room — 
is to set the chairs in pairs in a row slanting diagonally down 
the stage from up right to down left, the aisle being supposed 
to be side on to the audience and the nearer row of seats to be 
omitted. This will give a full view of all the performers to the 
audience and make the dialogue between them and the con- 
ductor more easily grasped. 

Any way is a good way if it be adapted to the place of per- 
formance and if it put the action clearly in the eye of the au- 
dience. 

NOTES 

Do not hurry the performance. Take time to act out every- 
thing, giving the audience time to appreciate the jokes. A 
pause does no harm. Do not go on while the audience is 
laughing. Sal and Rube by their actions can furnish an end- 
less amount of amusement throughout the entire entertainment, 
being careful however to do everything in a quiet way so that 
the audience can follow what the other characters are doing. 
Mrs. Mulligan can also keep the people in an uproar of laugh- 
ter by her sly winkings and grimaces to the other passengers 
while talking to the conductor. The Levaggi children do a 
great deal of eating, passing paper bags around continually. 
Johnny Jackson might stand in the aisle while asking questions, 
making himself as prominent as possible. All the characters 
should try to be in as conspicuous a position as possible 
while taking their main parts. Seats can be changed readily, 
passengers going to door, getting a glass of water and taking a 
different seat as they return. Rube and Sal should be in a 
front seat all the time. 

A large doll may be fixed up for the Alger baby. This can 
be held near the parent's face and parent can imitate the crying 
of a baby. 

All the children's parts may be taken by adults dressed as 
children if desired. 



Fun on the Bingville Branch 



SCENE. — Slage set as on page 3. 

Bkakeman {at door). All aboard ! Next station is Way- 
ville. 

E7iter Mrs. Mistaken, with very many bundles. 

Mrs, Mis. Does this car go to Sabine ? 

Brake. No. 

Mrs. Mis. {snappishly). Oh, dear, I want to get a car that 
goes to Sabine. 

Brake. Well, I haven't time to go and get one for you. 
This train goes to Wayville. Hurry up, madam, or you'll get 
taken along. 

(Mrs. Mis. tries to hurry; drops bundles; tries to pick 
them up; drops more; finally gets off. Conductor 
comes through to take tickets. Mame Jones and Liz 
Smith are both chewing gtwi vigorously.) 

Con. (taking Mame's ticket). Rained pretty hard yester- 
day, didn't it? 

Mame. Yep, it did sure. 

Con. It was almost like the Flood. 

Liz. The Flood ! Wot wuz that ? 

Con. The Flood, you know. Noah, the Ark, Ararat. 

Mame. I ain't hed naw time ter read the papers lately. 
Guess I ain't heerd of it. 

(Con. goes to Mrs. Precise and Mrs. Mannerly for 
tickets.) 

Mrs. p. (to Mrs. Man.). No, I have two tickets right 
here. You put yours right back. I'm going to pay this time. 
Mrs. Man. No, indeed, you are not. 

(Fumbles in bag for ticket.) 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

Mrs. p. Yes, I am, too. 

Mrs. Man. No, you are not. (Still hunts for ticket.) 

Mrs. p. {handing two tickets to Con.). Here are the tickets. 

Con. {looking at tickets'). Excuse me, madam, but these 
are not the right tickets. 

Mrs. p. Of course they are the right tickets. 

Con. Sorry, madam, but they are not good on this line. 

Mrs. p. I'd Hke to know why not. 

Con. They are beer checks, madam. 

Mrs. p. {in great co?ifusio?i). However could those have 
got in my pocketbook ? 

Mr. Smarty (laughifig aloud). Pretty good give-away that. 
Been going through hubby's pockets. 

(Mrs. p. and Mrs. Man. turn and give him an indignant 
look then whisper together as if explaining the matter.) 

Brake, {at door). Bayview ! Bayview ! 

Enter Edythe Ray and Pauline Porter. As soon as they 
are seated Edythe ope7is a box of candy and passes it to 
Pauline. Pauline takes apiece; starts to put it in her 
mouth ; stops afid gasps. 

Pauline. Oh, I forgot, our class is having a self-denial 
month and I've given up candy. {Puts candy back in box.) 

Edythe. Nonsense ! You're foolish to miss such lovely 
chocolates. They're dandy. {Closes box ; takes out school 
books.) Mr. Hale gave us an awful lesson in Philosophy for 
to-morrow. 

Pauline {abstractedly). Did he? 

Edythe. Yes, all about molecules. 

Pauline. Say, Edythe, I've decided to change my self- 
denial to pie. Open that box quick. {Box is opened and 
both girls indulge freely ifi chocolates.) What did you say 
you were studying, Edythe ? 

Edythe, Oh, molecules and atoms and photoplasms. I 
don't know which I like best, but Mr. Hale is just too sweet 
for anything. He's the one that tells about molecules and 
atoms. We girls are all just crazy about him. We've named 
our hats after him. This is ray Hale hat. You see how the 
velvet is drawn down on the brim and caught there with a knot 
and a bunch of forget-me-nots. 

Pauline (examining hat). It's just too sweet for anything. 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 7 

Edythe. I think it is perfectly, exquisitely lovely. 

Pauline. I must study my geometry. 

Edythe. Do you like that ? 

Pauline. Oh, yes, I think theorems are the divinest things ! 
I'm just enraptured with theorems. Mr. Long's eyes look so 
beautiful when he is explaining them. I never know a word 
he is saying, I'm so in love with his eyes. 1 must study. Let 

the triangle A. B. C— triangle A. B. Oh, say, Edythe, 

do you like my hair done this way ? 

Edythe. It's awfully stylish, and classical, too. Looks 
fine. How do you like mine ? 

Pauline. Turn your head round so I can get a side view. 

(Edythe's hat has a long quill or stick-up of some sort. 
Mr. S., who sits just behind them, is leaning forzvard 
and the quill sticks in his eye, making him cry out and 
hold on to his eye.) 

Edythe (turning around). Oh, I beg your pardon ! 

Mr. S. Don't mention it. I'm all right; I have one eye 
left. 

Pauline. Isn't he a lovely, polite man? Have you learned 
your French lesson ? We're going to that dance to-night, so 
we must get our studying all done on the train. (Opens book.) 
Je parle, tu parle. What are you going to wear to-night, 
Edythe? 

Edythe. I'm going to wear that blue muslin with the pink 
roses ; the one that has the ruffles on it. 

Pauline. Oh, yes, that's just a dream. 

Michael Murphy. Be jabbers, Oi rickin her fayther didn't 
foind the bill fer it anny drame. 

Mame. Gee, wouldn't yez like to be one of them swells, 
Liz? 

Liz. Naw, they git my goat. 

Brake. Homer ! Homer ! 

(Pauline and Edythe get up.) 

Pauline. I've got my French and geometry all done. 
Edythe. And I've done my Philosophy. We've studied 
awful hard all the Avay, haven't we? 

Pauline. Yes, my head aches, I've studied so steadily. 

(Edythe and Pauline get off.) 



8 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

E7iter Rube Hickey and Sal Sofer. Sal carries large 
basket. When part way down the aisle Rube looks a?ix- 
iously around. 

Rube. I snummy, whar is thet air lunch basket, Sal? 

Sal. I hev it, Rube. 

Rube. Pass it over here quick. 

Sal. It's turrible perlite of you to kerry it fer me, Rube. 

Rube. Perlite ! Huh ! I guess I don't take no risk of 
losin' thet air lunch. It's a lappin' good one maw put up fer 
us to take ter the circus. 

Sal. I hope 'tis fer I feel empty as a barrel already. {They 
finally get seated, Rube having a great time finding a place for 
the basket.') You kin set the basket right over thar, Rube. 

Rube. No, sir-ee ! Maw told me ter look out fer them 
air pickpockets on the keers, but they've got to sit up nights ter 
git ahead of this air chicken. I ain't no greenhorn if I wuz 
brung up in Bingville. There, by gosh ! I'd like ter see any 
blamed smart city chap git that basket. {Puts basket on floor 
and puts both feet on it.) Maw put a dozen biled eggs in 
thar. She found a nest the old white hen had stole under the 
rhubab. Six slabs of pie ; a hunk of gingerbread, and some 
bread and merlasses. We live turrible high to our house. 
You'll hev to go some ter keep up with maw's cooking, Sal. 

{Chucks Sal utider the chin.) 

Sal {peevishly). Huh, I reckon other folks kin cook besides 
yer maw. 

Rube {puttifig arm aroimd Sal). Don't git mad, Sal. 
Say, won't we hev a great time at the circus? Golly, I'm jest 
a-goin' ter blow myself. I'll buy a hull quart of peanuts fer 
yer and some pink lemonade, too. I'll be dinged if I don't. 

(Frances Cross has been eating most of the time ; now has 
a tantrum ; yells and screams, the mother trying in vain 
to stop her. ) 

Mr. S. {very loud). That young one needs a good spanking. 

Mrs. Cross {turning around). It's none of your business 
and I don't believe in spanking a child on a full stomach any- 
way. 

Mr. S. Neither do I. Turn her over, madam, turn her 
over. 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 9 

Mrs. C. {snappishly). Some folks don't know enough to 
mind their own business. 

Frances. If you don't give me some more candy I'll yell 
again. 

Mrs. C. But mother thinks you ought not to eat any more. 
It will make you sick. (Frances begins to scream and kick.) 
Here, darling, you may have just this piece. 

(Frances looks slyly round at other passengers, takes candy 
and stops screaming.) 

Mame. Gee, wouldn't I guv dat kid a sidewinder if she wuz 
mine. 

Liz. Wouldn't I jest? 

(Frances sticks out tongue at them.) 

Newsboy. Papers ! Papers ! Latest edition 1 
Mr. S. {trying to be smart). Here, my boy, have you 
any of to-morrow's papers? 

{Looks around for others to hear the fun.) 

News. Naw, I sold 'em all out day before yesterday. 

{Passengers laugh.) 

Mr. S. I'll take one of to-day's, then. Here's ten cents, 
and you can have the change to buy a cigar. 

News. Tanks awfully, but you'd better keep it and buy a 
few brains. 

{Passengers laugh. Mr. S. becomes absorbed in reading 
paper.) 

Michael. Good fer yez, newsy. Oi'U toike a payper mesilf. 
Brake. Elmwood ! Elmwood ! Change here for Hob- 
son, Southbridge and Pemberton. 

Enter Mr. a7id Mrs. Levaggi with three children. They have 
great time getting settled ; much jabbering, presumably in 
Italian. 

Mr. L. {handing ticket to zvife). You gif dees hafa teeckit 
to de conducta. 

Mrs. L, Why for I gif Tony's teeckit to de conducta? 



10 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

Mr. L. He aska how olda Tony was, and I no lika lie. 
You tella de lie. 

Con. (taking tickets from Mrs. L.). You'll have to pay 
full fare for that boy. He is over twelve years old. 

Mrs. L. No, he no twelva. 

Con. Madam, he can't go on half fare ; he is too large, alto- 
gether too large. 

Mrs. L. (j/iany gestures). Wella, he too larga now. He no 
too larga when de traina starta. He smalla then. Traina slowa, 
slowa. 

Con. Where is the ticket for that girl ? How old is she ? 

Mrs. L. She be fiva in Juna. 

Con. She looks older than that. 

Mrs. L. She poora little girla. She has lota trouble, maka 
her looka olda. 

(Mr. L. sees quarter lying on the floor in the aisle ; gets up 
and gets it.) 

Con. Here, you, that's my quarter. 

Mr. L. Youra quarta had notta hola in heem. 

Con. Yes, it had. 

Mr. L. {showing quarter). Wella, dessa quarta no gotta 
hola in heem, so notta your quarta. {Puts quarter in pocket.) 
No hola in heem. 

(Con. passes on to other passetigers.) 

Mrs. p. {in loud voice to Mrs. Man.). I never would have 
one in the house. It has always been my strict rule and I 
don't know as I can ever get over it. 

Mame {171 loud whisper to Liz, who is talking). Sh ! 
Stop yer yap. I want ter git wise to wot these old sticks back 
uv us are sayin'. Sounds like a scandal in high life. 

Mrs. p. I don't know as I shall ever get over the disgrace 
of it. My mother always said she never could hold up her 
head again if anything like that came into the family. 

Liz (in very loud stage whisper, Tiudging Mame). Say, 
Mame, it must be something orful. 

Mrs. p. To think she should do such a thing ! None of 
us suspected, none of us dreamed she would do such a thing. 
You can't imagine the shock when I came home and found the 
new maid (raising voice excitedly) had ordered onions and had 
cooked some for dinner. 



. FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH II 

(Mame and \az let themselves drop over.) 

Mame. Wouldn't dat jar yer? 

Liz. Say, dat's der limit. I tought sure it wuz a murder 
er a suicide. 

Brake. Hayden ! Hayden ! Next station is Riggsville. 

Enter Mr. Austin, hat off, very warm, wiping face with 
ha?idker chief. Sits down with Mr. S. 

Mr. S. Been running to catch the train ? 

Mr. Aus. (sarcastically). No, 1 was only running to chase 
it out of the station. (Mops face vigorously.) 

Mr. S. You travel on these trains a lot. What train do 
you consider the most difficult one to catch ? 

Mr. Aus. {snappishly, fammighimself with hat). They're 
all the same to me. 

Mr. S. That so? I call the 12 : 50 a hard train to catch, 
don't you ? 

Mr. Aus. I don't know and I don't care. 

Mr. S. Yes, the 12 : 50 is a hard train because it's ten to 
one if you catch it. 

(JLaughs heartily at his ow?ifoke. Mr. Aus. looks disgusted 
and keeps on fanning and mopping face. Con. comes 
along. Mr. Aus. ha?ids him ticket.) 

Con. You can't use this ticket on this train. It's only good 
on a later train. 

Mr. Aus. That ticket is all right. 

Con. The road won't take it, sir. 

Mr. Aus. (angrily). Well, this blamed old road will never 
see another cent of my money, then. 

Con. What will you do ? Walk ? 

Mr. Aus. No, I'll stop buying tickets, and pay my fares to 
you. No danger of the company ever getting a cent of it then. 

Mr. S. Does this train go as far as Garner ? 

Con. Yes, sir. 

Mr. S. Well, I want you to tell me when we get there. 
You'd better stick a stamp on your nose, or put a straw in your 
mouth, or tie a knot in one of your lips so you won't forget it. 

(Passe tigers watch and listen.) 

Con. It wouldn't be convenient for me to do those things. 



/ 

12 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

but if you will kindly pin your ears around your neck I think I 
shall remember to tell you. 

(^Laughter among passe?igers.') 

News. Candy ! Candy ! 

Rube. Hi, thar, guess me and Sal will hev some of thet 
air stuff. {After much deliberation Rube buys two sticks of 
striped candy, and they both begin sucking them.) Lapping 
good, ain't they, Sal? 

Sal. Yes, they be — if you suck 'em they last a sight 
longer. 

Rube. I don't never let no gal say I'm a tight wad when I 
takes her to the circus. This candy cost two hull cents, but I 
told you I wuz a-goin' ter blow myself, and 1 be. 

Brake. Riggsville ! Riggsville ! 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Alger with baby, Mrs. Marston, 
Johnny Jackson and Israel Levitsky. Israel sits in 
front of Mrs. Mar. and Johnny ; takes off hat. 

Johnny {pointing to Israel). Gee, look at that man's 
whiskers. 

Mus. Mar. {in loud whisper). Hush, Johnny, the man will 
hear you. 

Johnny {in very loud stage 7vhisper). He don't need no 
necktie, does he? Don't show none with them whiskers. 

Mrs. Mar. Keep still, Johnny. 

Johnny. I wish I wuz bald-headed like he is, then I wouldn't 
have to waste time combing my hair. 

Mrs. Mar. Will you keep still, Johnny? 

Johnny. Say, will I have whiskers some day ? 

Mrs. Mar. Perhaps so. 

Johnny. Will you have whiskers, too ? 

Mrs. Mar. Johnny Jackson, if you don't stop talking, I'll 
tell your mother, and she'll give you a good whipping. 

Johnny. What'U you give me if I keep still? 

Mrs. Mar. I'll give you some candy. 

Johnny. All right ; let's see it. 

(Mrs. Mar. gives Johnny candy and he begins eating it. 
Michael has been watching the Alger baby closely, lean- 
ing over to do so. Mrs. A., xvho has been watching him, 
finally gets exasperated.) 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH I J 

Mrs. a. {to Michael). Rubber ! Rubber ! 
Michael. Rubber? Begorry, Oi'm glad to be afther hear- 
ing it. Oi vvuz afrade it wuz a rale choild. 
Mrs. a. Beast ! 

{Baby begins to cry, and Mr. and Mrs. A. try in vain to 
soothe it, talking baby talk, trotting it, etc.') 

Mr. S. {very loud). Why don't you sing to the kid ? 
(Mr. a. begins to sing so?nething very poorly. Baby stops 
crying. Mr. A. continues to sing.) Say, that's worse than 
the crying. Let up on that, for the land's sake, or you'll drive 
us crazy. 

Mr. Aus. I believe that's Sam Alger. Haven't seen him 
for an age. I'll have to go down and speak to him. {Goes 
down ; shakes hands ; looks at baby.) Well, well, but he's a 
fine little fellow, isn't she? How old is it now? Do her teeth 
bother him much ? I hope he gets through her second summer 
all right. She looks like you, Sam, doesn't he? I've heard 
it does. Glad to have seen you. Good-bye. 

{Goes back to seat, mopping face.) 

Mrs. Man. {to Con.). Does this train stop at Fenrick? 

Con. No, not unless some one wants to get on or off. Do 
you want it to stop ? 

Mrs. Man. Yes, I'd like to have it stop. 

Con. {pulling strap). We are right there now. This is 
Fenrick. 

(Mrs. Man. goes to door and stands there talking to cat she 
holds in her arms.) 

Mrs. Man. There, Ruffles, this is the place where you were 
born. You did want to see it, didn't you ? Mamma told you 
that you should some day. Now, take a good look at it. 

Con. Hurry up and get off, madam. I shall have to start 
this train quickly. (Mrs. Man. co7nes back to seat. Con., 
crankily.) Didn't you say you wanted to get off at Fenrick, 
madam ? 

Mrs. Man. Oh, no, I didn't want to get off. I only 
wanted you to stop the train so I could show this dear little 
kitty where he was born. 

Con. Hang your old cat ! We were late, anyway, and 
you've made me lose five minutes more. 



14 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

Johnny. Say, that woman over there has two colors in her 
hair. What makes that ? (Mrs. P. turns ajid gives him a 
black look.) Say, wouldn't she turn milk sour if she looked at 
it like that ? See that feller down there hugging his girl ! 
Guess he likes her, don't you? 

(Rube and Sal look around and giggle. Mrs. A. goes out, 
presumably into tiext car, leaving baby rviih husband.') 

Mrs. Mar. You're the worst boy I ever saw in my life, 
Johnny Jackson. 

Johnny. Say, I'm going to have a girl when I grow up. 
Did you ever have a feller? I shouldn't think any feller'd 
want you. 

Mrs. Mar. {slamming Johnny down on seat). You keep 
still or I'll box your ears good. 

(Con. comes to get tickets. Mrs, Mar. hands him one ticket.) 

Con. How old is that boy? 

Mrs. Mar. How old do you think ? 

Con. Old enough to pay a fare, I should say. 

Mrs. Mar. Don't seem so to me. 

Con. Well, you ought to know. 

Mrs. Mar. Yes, I suppose I ought, but I forgot to ask. 
He ain't my child. I'm jest taking him along with me to favor 
his mother. 

Con. {to Johnny). How old are you, young man ? 

Johnny. I dunno. 

Con. Well, madam, I'll have to charge for him if you can't 
or won't tell me. 

Mrs. Mar. {loud voice, angrily). His age ain't any of my 
business. It's yours, and if you make i mistake I'll sue your 
old road for damages. I ain't got but mighty little money 
with me, and if you make me pay and I run short and get in 
trouble and then his ma tells me that he's under age, I'll make 
your old road pay good for it. You advertise what you'll do, 
and if you don't do it there'll be trouble. 

Con. If you say he's under age, I'll take your word for it. 

Mrs. Mar. I ain't a-sayin' a thing. It's for you to say, 
and I'm jest warnin' you that you'd better not make any mis- 
takes, for his ma'll know, and if you take money that I need, it 
will go mighty hard with you if you're wrong. 

Con. But you ought to know. 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH I5 

Mrs. Mar. Why? Your road dor.'t pay me for knowing; 
it pays you. But I'm not going to raise a rumpus, I'm jest 
warnin' you. How much ? 

Con. Perhaps we had better let it go. 

Mrs. Mar. Jest remember I didn't say he wasn't old 
enough, and I didn't refuse to pay. 

Johnny {to Con.). Say, you ain't a two-faced man, are 
you, Mr. Conductor? 

Con. a two-faced man ! What are you talking about, kid ? 
This ain't a circus. 

Johnny. Cuz I wuz thinking if you hed two faces you'd 
leave this one at home and wear the better lookin' one. You 
couldn't hev two such ugly faces. 

Con. What you need, young man, is a good horsewhip. 

(Johnny makes tip face at Con.) 

Brake. Highland Square ! Highland Square ! Next sta- 
tion is Stetson. 

Enter Alvse Parker and Maysie Richie. They stand at 
door saying good-bye to an invisible person. 

Alyse. Good-bye, dear; good-bye. 
Maysie. Come over next Tuesday. Good-bye. 
Alyse. We'll be dreadfully cross if you don't. Good-bye. 
Maysie. Oh, she'll come all right. Reggie is coming, you 
know. , {Both lai/gh.) Good-bye, good-bye, dear. 

{Both ivave hands and throtv kisses.) 

Brake. Guess I've waited long enough for that mush. All 
aboard ! 

Ma^e 1 Good-bye. See you Tuesday. Good-bye. 

(More waving and kiss-throwing. In getting seated in front 
ofM.^. Aus., Maysie scratches him with her hat-pin.') 

Mr. Aus. {crankily). Madam, you have scratched my face 
with that barbarous hat-pin. 

Maysie. Don't be at all alarmed, sir; I sterilize it every 
day. 

Rube. Say, Sal, I'm gittin' turrible hungry. Let's eat 
one of them air biled eggs. 

Sal. I be, tew, and I reckon I could eat a slab of pie, tew. 



l6 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

(Rube has a great tirne getting up the basket. Gives Sal 
the old umbrella to hold.) 

Rube. Be keerful not to lose thet umberell, Sal. Paw paid 
seventy-five cents fur it, and we ain't hed it more'n twenty 
years. {Hands out egg /^ Sal ; takes one himself ; puts basket 
back carefully ; puts feet on it. They take shells off the eggs 
and eat large mouthfuls ; much noise, etc.) Guess I've got to 
hev something else. Seems ter be a turrible big hole in my 
stummick. 

{Gets up basket again; takes out great piece of pie for each.') 

Alyse. Wasn't that actor perfectly, utterly exquisite in the 
play this afternoon ? 

Maysie. Oh, perfectly lovely. I just fell in love with him 
when he sang "Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes," and he 
looked right at me all the time he was singing it. 

Liz {to Mame). Say, he wuz a cheap skate. Drink to me 
wid thine eyes ! Huh, a feller wot couldn't say. Drink ter me 
only wid soda water, and then treat yer ter two glasses, ain't 
wuth standin'-room at a truant officer's picnic. Hey, Mame? 

Mame. Them's me sentiments, sure. Say, I used ter know 
that swell girl. 

Liz. Why don't youse go and speak to her then ? 

Mame. She ain't paid her fare. She might ask me ter pay 
it fer her. 

{Both laugh loudly.) 

Con. (taking tickets from AhYSE and Maysie). Arthur said 
it was pretty cold this morning. 
Maysie. Arthur who ? 
Con. Our thermometer. 

{Girls giggle.) 

Liz. Say, I went ter de movies las' night. Gee, they wuz 
great. Onct when I tought dey wuz goin' ter kill de hero I 
got so excited I swallered my gum, and den dey didn't kill him 
after all. 

Con. (to Israel). Your ticket. (Israel shakes head.) 
Where is your ticket ? 

(Israel shakes head and makes signs that he does not under- 
stand.) 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 1 7 

Mr. S. (Jo Con.). He doesn't understand English. Try 
him in German. 

Con. {to Israel). Can you speak German? (Israel 
makes signs he doesn't understand.') Can you speak Italian? 
(Israel still shakes head.) Speak Jewish language? (Israel 
still makes signs.) Can you speak French ? {More signs and 
head shaking.) I've spoken to him in five languages, and he 
doesn't understand any of them. 

Michael. Begorry, Oi didn't know Oi could spake all the 
langwidges, but if that's the way yez do it Oi kin. Oi'll hev 
a thry at the ould feller. {Comes over to Israel.) Can yez 
spake Swadish? (Israel doesnU under st arid.) Kin yez spake 
Dutch? {More head shaking and majiy gestures.) Kin yez 
spake Hungarian ? Thin phwat in the divil kin yez spake ? 

(Israel finally pulls out dirty envelope with ticket and note 
in it. Con. reads.) 

Con. All right. Here's his ticket, and he's to get off at 
the next station. 

Mr. Aus. {to Con.). I'm sleepy. Guess I'll take a nap; 
put me off when we get to Yonkers. 

Con. All right, sir, I will. 

Mr. Aus. It is important I should get off there, so be sure 
to wake me. I wake up pretty hard, and I may kick some, but 
don't pay any attention to me if I am ugly. I want you to put 
me off at Yonkers no matter how hard I fight. Understand ? 
Here's a dollar to help you remember. 

Con. All right; off you'll go, sure. 

(Mr. Aus. very soon goes to sleep and snores loudly. Mr. 
S., who has been watching Mr. A. trying to keep the baby 
quiet, 710 w goes over to him.) 

Mr. S. {in loud voice). Say, a woman gave you that baby 
to hold while she went into the next car a few minutes, didn't 
she? 

Mr. a. {rather surprised). Yes. 

Mr. S. Just before we stopped at a station, wasn't it? 

Mr. a. I believe it was. 

Mr. S. {laughing heartily). I tumbled to the fact as soon 
as I saw it. You expect her back, I suppose ? 

Mr. a. Of course. 

Mr. S. Looking for her every blessed minute, ain't you? 



l8 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

Mr. a. I think it is about time for her. 

Mr. S. This makes me laugh. {Laughs very loud and 
looks around at other passengers who are all listening. ) Young 
man, you're left. You've been played on for an innocent. 
Better turn the kid over to a policeman before the reporters get 
onto you and give you a big write up. Your friends will have 
a great laugh on you. That woman will never come back. 
You've got the kid on your hands. 

Mr. a. She'll come back all right. 

Mr. S. What makes you think she'll come back ? 

Mr. A. Because she's my wife and this is our baby. {Looks 
around.) Here she comes now. 

{Passengers laugh.') 

Mr. S. {confused). Oh — um — er — I see. 

{Retires hurriedly to seat among the roars of the passengers.) 

Mrs. a. {taking baby). Mummy's ittle tootsie wootsie. 
Did it miss its murasie ? 

Brake. Stetson ! Stetson ! 

(Con. motions to Israel, who gets off.) 

Enter Mrs. Mulligan and four children, Silas Noser and 
Saul Cohen. Silas sits back of Michael and near Mrs. 
C. and Frances. Saul sits so??iezvhere near Mr. S.) 

Mrs. p. {to Mrs. Man.), I should think they ought to charge 
folks according to their weight. {Points to M-&S. MvL.) Look 
at the size of that woman. 

Mrs. Mul. Shure, it's moighty lucky they don't for they'd 
niver be afther sthopping fer yez at all, at all. 

Mr. S. {to Saul). Hello, Father Abraham ! (Saul makes 
no reply.) Hello, Father Isaac! (Saul turns and looks at 
him but makes no reply. Mr. S. looks to see if passengers are 
listening to him, and speaks in still louder tones. ) Hello there, 
Father Jacob ! 

Saul {rising slowly, facing Mr. S.). I am neither Abra- 
ham, Isaac or Jacob, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went forth 
to find his father's ass, and behold I have found him. 

(Saul sits down calmly amidst the roars of the passengers. 
Mr. S. reads paper. Michael has been looking at some 
papers he has taken out of his pocket and Silas has his 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 1 9 

head over Michael's shoulder trying to see what they are. 
Fi7iaUy Michael takes a red bandanna handkerchief out 
of his pocket and wipes Silas' nose, twisting it pretty hard 
and holding on to it for some time.) 

Silas. Ow ! What are you doing to my nose ? 

Michael. Shure, Oi ax yer pardin. It wuz so cloise to 
moine Oi thought it wuzmoine. (^Chuckles and wifiks at other 
passengers. ) Begorry perhaps he'll kape it out uv ither payple's 
business fer a whoile. 

(Frances has fust caught sight of Silas' nose and begins to 
scream, her mother trying in vain to stop her. Silas goes 
over to her.) 

Silas. What ails you, my dear ? 

Frances {screaming and drawing away from him). Take 
off your nose ! Take off your nose ! 

(Silas and Mrs. C. look confused.) 

Mrs. C. You must excuse my daughter, but I took her to 
a masked ball once and she got very much frightened at a per- 
son who had on a mask with a very large nose. Now, unfor- 
tunately, you are going to some mask and have on a false nose 
and she is dreadfully frightened again. (Frances begins to 
screa?n again.) Let me beg of you to have pity on the poor 
child and take off your nose. 

Silas. But, madam 

Mrs. C. {as Y-RXiiC^s screams again). Quick, take off your 
nose or my child will go into convulsions. 

Silas. But, madam, I can't take off my nose. It is not 
false ; it is my own. 

Mrs. C. Impossible ! 

Silas. Touch it and see. 

(Mrs. C. gives Silas' nose a hard pull, expecting it to come 
off, but it does not.) 

Mrs. C. I beg your pardon. (Frances begins screaming 
again.) What shall I do? What shall I do? Won't you 
please go to the back of the car and cover your nose with your 
hat? 

(Silas goes back, covers jiose with hat ; Frances finally 
quiets down.) 



20 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

News. All the latest books, latest books and magazines ! 
{To Mr. S.) Don't you want to buy Gilbert Parker's latest 
book, sir? 

Mr. S. No, I'm Gilbert Parker myself. 

News. Well, buy this one of Mary Wilkins Freeman. You 
ain't Mary, be you? 

{Another laugh at VIr. S.'s expense. M.V.. S. reads paper, 
soon falls asleep and snores.') 

Con. {to Mrs. Mul.). Fares, please. (Mrs. Mul. hands 
him one ticket. Con. looks at children.) You'll have to pay 
for all these children, madam ; they are all over age. 

Mrs. Mul. And phwat is the age ? 

Con. Unless they are under five they must pay a fare. 

Mrs. Mul. Shure, jist cast yer oiye to the hats uv thim 
and ye' 11 say they are all under foive. 

Con. {looking at hats). Those tricks won't work. You 
must pay for them all. 

Mrs. Mul. {unnkifig at passengers). Shure, me husband's 
woife's cousin, who is a conductor on the strate car, niver axes 
me to pay wan cint for anny wan of thim. 

Con. {impatie?ttly). I don't care what your husband's 
woife's cousin does. Hand over your tickets. 

Mrs. Mul. Shure, Oi'm afther givin' yez the only ticket I 
have. 

Con. Well, you must pay the money if you haven't the 
tickets. 

Mrs. Mul. {giving a scream). Howly mither of Moses, 
ye've slipped on me corn. Sometoimes Oi wish Oi wuz wan 
of thim Christian Scientists so Oi wouldn't know whin Oi wuz 
hoirt, and sometoimes Oi'd loike to be wan of thim snakes, for 
they don't be having any corns on their fate. 

Con. If you don't pay your money I shall have the train 
stopped and put you all off. 

Mrs. Mul. Howld yer whisht ! Ain't Oi goin' to pay it, 
thin ? But Oi've got to foind out how much it is before Oi kin 
pay it, ain't Oi? 

Con. It will be forty cents for the tickets and five cents 
apiece for the checks I'll have to give you for paying on the 
train instead of buying your tickets at the station — sixty cents 
in all. 

Mrs. Mul. Howly mither of Moses ! Does yez think Oi'm 
a Vanderboilt ? 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 21 

Con. Hurry up, madam. 

Mrs. Mul, Oi'm no lightning calkerlator, sorr; but Oi'm 
an honest, dacent woman, and Oi foinds out thet me bills is 
kerrict before Oi pays wan penny. Sixty cints, you sed? 
Well, there's tin for Mary Ann, and tin for Michael; that's 
twinty. {Counts on fingers.') And foive for Katie. 

Con. No, ten for Katie. 

Mrs. Mul. Tin cints fur thet little darlint ! Oi calls that 
jist clair robbery. 

Con. That makes thirty cents. 

Mrs. Mul. If yez are mane enough to toike a fare for that 

baby it's thoirty thin, and Patsy tin, that's Howly smoke ! 

{Gives yell.') This car bounces so it gives me rheumatiz in 
me back. But, begorry, Oi'm glad Oi hev a back to hev 
rheumatiz in. 

Con. 1 can't waste any more time with you. Hand over 
your money. 

Mrs. Mul. Me rheumatiz made me lose me count. Now 
Oi'U have to count it all over again to be sure Oi made no 
mistake, and Oi'U carl on all the payple in the car to listen. 
There's Mary Ann, that's tin cints 

Con. If you begin that string again I'll have you arrested. 
Hand over that sixty cents, lively. 

Mrs. Mul. Soixty cints ! Shure, it's fourty Oi makes it. 

Con. Sixty cents. 

Mrs. Mul. And yez won't toike the fourty? 

Con. Not one cent less than sixty. Either pay that, or 
I'll put you off the car at once. 

Mrs. Mul. Be aisy, sorr, and Oi'U lave the car, for Oi 
won't be chated out uv twinty cints fur anny wan. 

Brake. Sladen ! Sladen ! 

(Con. goes out.) 

Mrs. Mul. Shure, here we be at Sladen, darlints. {To 
passengers.) "Didn't Oi put a good wan over on that smart 
conductor? Shure, it wuz here Oi wuz planning to git out all 
the toime to see me Cousin Biddy O'Toole and little Moikey. 
It's wan cowld day whin yez git ahead of Katie Mulligan. 
Come on, me darlints. 

(Mrs. Mul. a?id children depart, smiling. ) 

Enter Mrs. Fussy and nepheiv Robert. Mrs. F. has very 
many bundles. 



22 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

Rob. Here's a seat, Aunt Ann. 

Mrs. F. Oh, I don't want to sit there. It's too near the 
back of the car. And oh, dear, Robert, if this isn't the last 
car ! 

Rob. What difference does that make ? 

Mrs. F. That's just like you, Robert. Now, my other 
nephew, Henry, wouldn't have thought of putting me in the 
last car. It is so dangerous if there is a rear end collision. I 
don't see why they don't leave the last car off, anyway. 

Rob. {going to another seat). Well, try this seat. Aunt 
Ann. 

Mrs. F. {sitting down a minute ^ then jumping up). No, I 
don't like that seat. It's right over the wheels. I'd like a seat 
on the other side. 

Michael. Toike moi sate, mum. 

Mrs. F. Thank you. {Sits down.) 

Michael. That's orl roight, mum. Wot Oi ses is, a man 
ort to give a woman the sate she wants. Some min never does 
unless she's young and pretty, but yez see, mum, it don't make 
no difference to me. 

(Mrs. F. glares at him ; begins adjusting bundles, ROB. 
helping.) 

Alyse. Wasn't it polite of that man to give that horrid, 
fussy old lady his seat ? 

Michael {in loud stage whisper). Shure, Oi wuz jist lad- 
ing in me payper of a fussy ould woman who lift tin thousand 
dollars to an illigant young man like mesilf that wuz perlite to 
her in a strate car ; so when Oi sees this ould crank ses Oi to 
mesilf, ses Oi, toike no chances, Moickel. She's a fussy ould 
wan all roight, so perhaps the rist of it will be thrue and Oi'U 
be getting me tin thousand wan of these days. 

Mrs. F. There, Robert, don't put that satchel on the floor. 
I want it on the seat beside me. (Rob. puts it on the seat 
with a bang.) Be careful how you handle it. My other set 
of false teeth are in it and I don't want them broken. Now, I 
believe I'm on the sunny side and no shades at the windows. 
Robert, I should think you could have found me a seat in a 
better car. 

Rob. But the seats in the other car were all taken. Aunt 
Ann. 

Mrs. F. Then why didn't you get here sooner? Are you 
sure you gave me the right ticket ? 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 23 

Rob. Yes, sure. 

Mrs. F. You've made such a blunder about getting me a 
seat that 1 can't feel comfortable about the ticket. Oh, here's 
the conductor ! I'll ask him to make sure. Here, Mr. Con- 
ductor, come here. Will you look at my ticket and see if it is 
all right ? 

Con. Where do you want to go ? 

Mrs. F. I am going to Jericlio. 

Con. Ticket's all right, madam. 

Mrs. F. Well, I'm surprised that it is. My nephew here 
made such a blunder about getting me a seat that I was afraid 
he didn't get the right ticket. (2<? Rob.) I'm sorry, Robert, 
that you should put me to so much trouble about my ticket. 
My, it's so close in here I can hardly get my breath. But, 
phew ! I get some one else's breath, and it's very strong of 
liquor. {Calls.) Conductor, conductor, do you allow any 
drinking person to ride on this train ? 

Con. Yes, lady; just keep your seat and keep quiet and I 
won't say a word. 

Mrs. F. The impudent wretch ! 1 like that. I shall cer- 
tainly report him. 

Rob. If you like it, what are you kicking about ? 

Mrs. F. You are the impolitest males I ever saw. Mercy 
on me, I smell tobacco ! and you know, Robert, how I detest 
tobacco. I simply can't ride here reeking in tobacco filth. 
There, put that bundle in the other seat. Why don't you 
attend to things a little better ? This tobacco smell is awful. 
If you open the window I shall freeze, I know, and if I have to 
breathe this vile air I shall suffocate. Oh, dear, whatever 
shall I do ? 

Michael. Begorry, Oi wish she'd ayther fraze or suffocate 
moighty quick. 

(Mrs. F. keeps changing bundles, position, frets cojitinually.') 

News. Bananas ! Pop-corn ! Prize in every package ! 

Rube {after much deliberation buys one bana7id). Now, I 
wonder what is in this air prize package, Sal? How'd a 
diamond ring suit yer? {Peels banana slotvly, peeping i?i.') 
By gosh, a fool and his money is soon parted. (Shoivs to 
Sal.) Jest look thar. Ain't thet a swindle? {Throzvs banana 
on floor.') That's the last prize package I ever squander my 
money on, I reckon. Maw told me ter look out for my money, 



24 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

but by gosh I'm a-makin' ut fly. Spent seven cents already. 
But we're havin' an all-fired good time, ain't we, Sal? 

{Puts arm aroimd Sal.) 

Sal. Yes, we be, Rube; best time I ever bed. 

{Puts head on Rube's shoulder,') 

Rube. Say, Sal, I reckon we're in love. 

Sal. I'm 'fraid we be. Rube. 

Rube {gulpiiig and swallowing). Say, Sal, do — yer — think 
— yer — yer — love me, Sal ? 

Sal. I reckon as how I dew. 

Rube. A hull barrelful ? 

Sal. Yes, Rube, a hull hogshead. {Tremendous smack.) 
Rube, I wuz skeered you'd fall in love with one of them air 
city gals. 

Rube. No, sir-ee. Yer don't catch me courtin' them city 
gals with their sinful extravagance. Maw says she's heern tell 
of them eatin' oyster stew twice a week. No, sir-ee. They'd 
like to get me, but they don't stand no show. 

{Siletice with otily sounds of o-o-o-ohs and a-a-a-ahs.) 

Michael. Begorry, the only diffirence betwane the lang- 
widge of love and the langwidge of a jag is two hiccups and a 
gurgle. 

Mrs. F. Oh, dear, I'm afraid this train is running off the 
track. {Calls.) Conductor! Conductor! How long has it 
been since there was an accident on this road ? 

Con. Had one last week. 

Mrs. F. Oh, dear, I know I shall never leave this train 
alive. It's just like this thoughtless nephew of mine to put me 
on a train that is going to run off the track. 

Brake. Yonkers ! Yonkers ! 

Con. Gracious, I nearly forgot to wake that man that 
wanted to get off at Yonkers. {Goes up to Mr. S.) Wake 
up, wake up! {Gives him a shake. Mr. S. half opens his 
eyes.) What place did you want ? 

Mr. S. {closing eyes again'). What places have you ? 
{Snores.) 

Con. {shaking vigorously). Wake up, I say ! Wake up ! 

Mr. S. {sleepily). Give the children their breakfast, wife, 
and I'll be down in a few minutes. {Snores again.) 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 2$ 

Con. {shaJiing him still harder'). Wake up, I say ! Wake 
up there ! You wanted to get off here. ( Mr. S. still snores. 
Con. calls Brake., who covies in.') This man gave me a 
dollar to wake him and put him off at Yonkers. Just take 
hold with me and we'll put him off. 

{They begin to lift him ; he finally wakes.) 

Mr. S. {atigrily). What on earth are you fellows doing? 

Con. You gave me a dollar to wake you up and put you 
off at Yonkers, and you're going off. 

Mr. S. I don't want to get off at Yonkers. 

Con. (Jo Brake.). Don't take any notice of what he is say- 
ing. He's still dreaming. He told me he woke up awful 
hard. 

( They grab him, push him, pull him, and finally get him off, 
he violently protesting all the time that he doesfi't want to 
get off at Yonkers. 'Rastus Jones gets o?i and stands in 
aisle, holding ancient valise.) 

'Rastus (/^ Con.). Is you the gen'man wot owns de kyars ? 

Con. I don't own them but I attend to some of the business. 

'Rastus. Yes, sah, you tends to de bizness ob de kyars; 
den I specks you tends to de people wot goes on de kyars. 

Con. Yes, what can I do for you ? 

'Rastus. If a colored gen'man wants ter go somewhar 
on de kyars what's de fust thing he's got to do 'bout it, sah ? 

Con. Do you want to go somewhere on this train ? 

'Rastus. Wot for you tink ? Do I want ter go somewhar 
on dis train ? Jist look at me ! Doan I look like a colored 
gen'man wot wants to go somewhar on de kyars ? Doan you 
see dat I'se got vay perlece in my hand wid a brand new white 
vest and a brand new coat, an' a pair of boots, and a collar, 
and a razor in it? Do you think I'm goin' walkin' fur my 
health? Cose I wants ter go on dese kyars. I ain't never 
been on 'em in my life cuz I wuz riz sixteen miles from de 
jumping off place where there ain't no kyars. But when a man 
gits ter be sixty years old it's time he tried it if he ever specks 
ter, cause he may go to hebben any time, and I doan know 
about the kyars there. What did you say wuz de fust ting a 
colored gen' man's got to do if he wants to ride on the kyars ? 

Con. The first thing to do is to get a ticket. 

'Rastus. Whar I gwine get it ? 

Con. I can sell you a ticket. 



26 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

'Rastus. Oh, you does. Well, I wants one, 'cause I'm 
goin' on these kyars. 

Con, Where are you going ? 

'Rastus. 'Tam't none of your bisness whar a colored 
gen'man is goin'. I don't want no device about this heah trip. 
I'm old enough to know whar I'm gwine. 

Con. But I can't sell you a ticket until I know where you 
are going. 

'Rastus. Hit doan make no difference to you whar I'm 
gwine. Dey kyars go whar I'm gwine, doan they ? 

Con. I can't tell until you tell me where it is. 

'Rastus. Ah hab de money to pay fur that ticket. You 
jest gib me dat ticket 'cause I know whar Fse gwine. If Ah 
wants ter get on dem kyars and ride till kingdom come dat's 
my bisness. 

Con. This road sells tickets by the mile. 

'Rastus. Fur massy's sake ! Ah thought a ticket was jest 
about so long. (^Measures length o?i finger. ) How fur can 
you ride fur a mile ob ticket ? 

Con. You'll have to get off the train if you can't tell me 
where you are going. 

'Rastus. Wall, Ah am gwine to Buffum, 

Con. All right. Here's your ticket. You change cars at 
Rainsville. Eighty cents. 

'Rastus {looking at ticket). Ah thought you sold dem 
tickets by de mile. Der ain't more'n two inches ob dis ticket. 

Con. That's all right. It will take you to Buffum. 

'Rastus. Doan de kyars take me to Buffum ? 

Con. Yes, yes. 

{Hurries off. 'Rastus sits down and studies ticket intently.) 

'Rastus. If he axes eighty cents fur two inches ob ticket, 
a mile must cost a powerful heap. 

Maysie {to Alyse). Don't you think Sousa is the best con- 
ductor in America? 

Alyse. Sousa is certainly a fine conductor. 

Liz {to Mame). Say, who's Susa? We ain't never rid on 
his train, hev we ? 

Mame. Naw, I don't remember him. 

Mrs. F. Robert, I don't believe we're on the right train 
now. 

Rob. Oh, yes, we're all right. 

Mrs. F. You'd better ask some one. 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 27 

Rob. Why, Aunt Ann, you asked the conductor. 

Mrs. F. Well, I still think you've put me on the wrong 
train. There, that sounds like thunder. That makes me think 
of my umbrella. Robert, I believe you left my umbrella in the 
station, {Hunts around for umbrella.') 

Rob. Here it is. Aunt Ann. 

Mrs. F. Well, it's the greatest wonder you didn't manage 
to lose it somewhere. 

(Michael gets up and pulls straps.) 

Con. Here you, what are you pulling the straps at both 
ends of the cars for ? 

Michael. That's all roight, soir. Shure, Oi want both 
inds of the car to sthop, don't Oi? 

Con. Next station is Old Glory ! Old Glory ! 

Alyse. I wonder why they call this station Old Glory? 

Maysie. Oh, because it's z.fiag station, I suppose. 

Alyse. Of course, that's just it. 

Maysie. Have you noticed my economical hand-bag, Alyse ? 

Alyse. It's just too cute for anything. 

Maysie. George gave it to me ray birthday, and it's simply 
grand, and so economical. {Opens bag.) You see you open 
this and there are two compartments, and you open the com- 
partments on this side and there is a little pocket in that, and 
you open the little pocket and there is the dearest little pocket- 
book for change with one side fixed for tickets. 

Alyse. Isn't it just too dear for anything? But why do 
you call it economical ? 

Maysie. Why, don't you see, it takes so long to open all 
the things and get your money that by the time you do, who- 
ever is with you has paid your fare. I haven't paid a fare once 
since I had it. 

Rob. That's worse than the woman that opened her bag and 
took out her purse, shut the bag and opened the purse, took out 
a nickel and shut her purse, opened her bag and put in her 
purse, shut her bag, etc. Isn't it. Aunt Ann ? 

Mrs. F. How can you talk such nonsense when I know 
we're on the wrong train and we're going to run off the track 
any minute and get killed. I have a dreadful headache. Don't 
you know enough to find my smelling salts for me? There, 
Robert, 1 suppose you've gone and lost my smelling salts. 
Whatever shall I do without them ? You are the most careless 
man I know. 



28 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

Rob. You have your smelling salts in your hand, Aunt Ann. 
Mrs. F. Well, it's fortunate I can look out for my things 
myself. I wonder where I'd be if I left things to you. 

(Smells sails. Mr. Aus. wakes suddenly, Jumps up, yells 
at Con.) 

Mr. Aus. Here, you're a smart fellow, I must say. Didn't 
I give you a dollar to wake me up at Yonkers ? And here I 
am ten miles beyond. I'd like to knock your head off your 
shoulders. 

Con. (Jookhig dumbfounded'). Say, are you the man that 
wanted to get off at Yonkers ? 

Mr. Aus. Isn't that what I gave you a dollar for? 

CoN. Well, I put a man off at Yonkers, but 1 declare I be- 
lieve it was the wrong man. He said he wasn't the one, but 
you told me you were hard to wake and I thought he was still 
asleep. Had an awful time getting him off. I beg your par- 
don, sir; sorry. 

Mr. Aus. Guess the other fellow is sorry, too. Pretty mess 
you made of it. 

Brake. Old Glory ! Old Glory ! 

Mr. Aus. How long before I can get a train back to 
Yonkers ? 

CoN. About twenty minutes. 

(Mr. Aus. gets out, also Maysie and Alvse. Alyse comes 
rushing back, looks hurriedly at place she had been sit- 
ting, then rushes to the Con.) 

Alyse. Some one has taken my bag. 

Con. Perhaps you dropped it on the floor. {They look 
around floor.) Are you sure you had it with you ? 

Alyse. Oh, I'm sure I had it. {Talks very fast.) It was 
a small black bag. 

Con. There are a good many small black bags. Can you 
tell something that was in it so I can identify it ? 

Alyse. 1 can tell a few things that were in it. {Very fast.) 
Two handkerchiefs with the dearest little crochet edge, a pair 
of black silk stockings, a pair of white kid gloves, a paper of 
black pins, a box of hairpins, a long veil, a ball of crochet cot- 
ton, some embroidery, a few yards of pale blue ribbon, some 
tooth powder, some hair curlers, a buckle for my new belt, a 
bottle of shoe polish, and a 



FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 29 

Con. It's no bag you've lost, it's a trunk. 

Alyse. No, no, it wasn't even a regular shopping bag — ^just 
a little hand-bag. I do hate to lose it. You'll try very hard to 
find it for me, won't you? I could tell you more things that 
were in it if I had time to think a little. 

Brake. All aboard ! 

(Alyse ricshes off and rushes back again.') 

Alyse (/'fCoN.). Oh, I've just remembered it was yesterday 
I had it with me. I left him home on my dressing case to-day. 

{Rushes off again.') 

Con. Drat these women, I say. 

Sal. Rube, why can't we git married Sunday? 

Rube. Wall, I s'pose we could, but it may rain like the 
dickens Sunday. 

Sal. If it rains Sunday, Ruble, let's git married the Satur- 
day before. 

Rube. Wall, I'll ask maw. 

Con. Tickets ! Tickets ! All tickets ready now. 

(Rube takes out long, much worn pocketbook and unwinds 
yards and yards of red yarn from it.) 

Rube. Don't take no chances uv gittin' my pockets picked. 
(Rube finally gets ticket, hands it to Con., zvho keeps it.) 
Hain't you a-goin' ter giv thet ticket back? 

CoN. No, we're at the end of the line. You change cars 
here. 

Rube. Now, by cracky, thet looks ter me like swindlin'. 
I paid good money fur thet ticket and he's come along and tuk 
it away from me. 

Brake. Alison ! Alison ! Change here. Far as this train 
goes. 

(Mrs. F. has a great time getting bundles collected, fuming 
and fretting all the time. Sal holds on to Rube with one 
hand, carries old umbrella iji the other.) 

Rube. I hev the lunch basket all right. You hang on ter 
thet umberell. Maw'd be orful mad if you lost it. 



CURTAIN 



MASTER PIERRE PATELIN 

A Farce in Three Acts 

Englished from an Early (1464) French Play 

By Dr. Richard T. Holbrook 

Of Bryn Maivr College 

CHARACTERS 

Pierre Patelin, a lawyer. 

GUILLEMETTE, hlS Wife. 

GuiLLAUME JocEAULME, a draper. 
TiBALT Lambkin, a shepherd. 
The Judge. 

Four males, one female. Costumes of the period, amply suggested by 
reproductions of contemporary cuts; scenery, very simple and fully ex- 
plained. Plays an hour and a half. A popular edition of this well-known 
French farce for schools. Its literary and historical interest very great, 
it is perfectly actable and absolutely modern in its dramatic appeal to an 
audience, and uproariously funny in its effect if presented with even slight 
skill. Altogether an ideal offering for schools and colleges. Professor 
Holbrook's version, here offered, has been acted with distinguished suc- 
cess at Bvyn Mawr College and at The Little Theatre in Philadelphia, 
and a version adapted from the Holbrook text by Professor George P. 
Baker was successfully given at his " Workshop 47 " in Cambridge. 
Strongly recommended. Free of royalty for amateur performance. 
Price, 50 cents 

, JOLLY PLAYS FOR HOLIDAYS 

A Collection of Christmas Plays for Children 

By Carolyn Wells 

COMPRISING 
The Day Before Christmas. Nine males, eight females. 
A Substitute for Sacta Claus. Five males, two females. 
Is Santa Ciaus a Fraud ? Seventeen males, nine females and chorus. 
The Greatest Day of the Year. Seven males, nineteen females. 
Christmas Gifts of all Nations. Three males, three females and chorus. 
The Greatest Gift. Ten males, eleven females. 

The plays composing this collection are reprinted from " The Ladies' 
Home Journal " of Philadelphia and other popular magazines in answer 
to a persistent demand for them for acting purposes. Miss "Wells' work 
requires no introduction to a public already familiar with her wit, her hu- 
mor and her graceful and abundant fancy, all of which attractive qualities 
are amply exemplified in the above collection. These plays are intended 
to be acted by young people at the Christmas season, and give ample sug- 
gestions for costuming, decoration and other details of stage production. 
These demands are sufficiently elastic in character, however, to make it 
possible to shorten and simplify the performance to accommodate almost 
any stage or circumstances. The music called for is of the simplest and 
most popular sort, such as is to be found in every household and memory. 
This collection can be strongly recommended. 

Price, cloth, post-paid by mail, bo cents net 



A NEW START 

A Comedy in Four Acts 

By C. A. Pellanus 

Seven males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 

Plays an hour and a half. A very funny play intended for performance 

by boys or youttg men. 

CHARACTERS 
Mr. \V, Wrightup, alias \ a medical 

Dr. Phil Graves, R.S.V.P., P.T.O. | student. 
Michael Spowder, his servant, from lipperary. 
CoLOs'JEL Ailment, a patient. 
Miss O'Phee, a patient. 
Thomas Wrotter, ati atnbiiious youth. 
Mrs. Langwidge, his aunt, of British origin. 
Mr. Percy Veering, an attorney. 
A Laboring Man. 

Price, /J cents 

TOO CLEVER BY HALF 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By C. A. Pellanus 

Six males, two females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. 

jplays an hour and a quarter. Very lively and funny ; intended for per- 

ibimance by boys or young men, 

CHARACTERS 

Judge; Simeon Adams, a well-to-do, kindly, ■pompous old bachelor. 
Mi5S Burgess, his hotisekeeper. With matrimonial schemes. 
Nathan Dean, the village constable. Fat-witted, and gullible. 
Howard Foster, a Pinkerton detective. Too clever by half. 
Monsieur Gaspard, a Chef d' Ore he sire. 

A Sharp f ''^^•^^''^^^'"' Britishers. 
I^ifv.s. Wordy, landlady of the village inn. 
Price, /J cents 

THE FIRST DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS 

A Comedy in Four Acts 
By C. A. Pellamts 
Six male characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays 
an hour and a half. An exceptionally brisk and humorous piece intended 
for male characters only. 

CHARACTERS 
Prof. B. Willdard, a naturalist. A short-sighted old man. 
Job Shirker, a shoemaker. Etivious of other men s S7tccess. 
Joseph Shirker, his son. A tramp. 
Henry Copper, a police officer and a duffer, born in England. 

J^M BOUN™ } ''^'oo^boys. Impertinent and full of high spirits. 
Price, /J cents 



J\. m* Pinero's Plays 

Price, 50 ee ite each 

IMin TH ANNFI ^''^y ^" ^°"'' ^*'*®' ^'^ males, five feinaies. 
lUlU-li/n/llliiLiLi Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH ll^^'^^^^l 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PRnFIIPATF Playln Four Acts. Seven males, five 
* nCi r IWr Li1V1/\ l £■ females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QrUnni MIQTDFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Ninemales, 
int. Ol^nUULlTllOlIVlLOO seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY igt^'^ Ss.^^v^e 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

QWFFT I AVFlSinFR Comedyin Three Acts. Seven males, 
OTTEiEil LAVEillUEiIV four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF THITNnFRRrtlT Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
inEi inUlil/i:iI\D\JLil nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIIWF^ Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
» nt 1 liTlEiO Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

THF WFAlfFR ^FY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight malefe, 
in£i TfEiilVEiIV 0£iA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ^^.T^^lil^SlmtJ^l: 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



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^rice, t5 CentjS €atl) 



females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 



tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

INnOMAR ^^^J in I'i^e Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
IIIUUIUAA Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 

MARV STUART Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
ITIAIVI OlLAIll males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE ^^it^^^^l^^, 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

DirHFI IFII ^^^y ^^ ^i^® Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
I\IVllLiML<LI ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
evening. 

THF RIVAI S Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
1 ULi HI T ALiJ Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER 'J^A^r iZief^el^^^Z 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL iXteiirL?. 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



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